I am in an interesting season where the “V” word has come up more often than I can even keep track of at this point. And this “season” has been going on for almost a year! It can be a scary word for some, but I am learning it is a word that cannot be avoided…vulnerability. It’s even hard for me to say without getting tongue-tied. Geez!! But I am constantly learning about its importance and necessity…even if it is reluctantly at times.
Vulnerability is mostly frightening for those people who have reserved certain places in their hearts as “DO NOT ENTER” zones. It’s not to say that they are completely closed off to the world, but there are pieces of their heart that are connected to the core of who they actually are that are completely off-limits to people. We will call these WALLS!! Lol Walls are generally built for protection, to keep us safe, and guarded. And when we live with these walls for an extended period of time, they start to become a part of who we think we are. The key word was “THINK”. We may tend to lose our emotional identity because we’ve hidden ourselves from ourselves for so long. What truly brings us joy? How do we really love? What parts of our hearts are buried under our walls of protection that we’ve forgotten about?
I’ve been hurt. I’ve been rejected. I’ve not been enough. I’ve been too much.
All of these experiences have caused walls to go up for different reasons, and unfortunately they had/have become a part of who I thought I was/am. I was a “hard” female. I was one that didn’t show her emotions or feelings. Flirt??? Heck no! Not anymore. I didn’t know what it meant to be soft in a non-negative way. I’ve been hiding for so long, that the thought of actually being seen is indeed frightening at times. There are days I am up for the challenge, and I put my guards down only to see something that resembles a past hurt and I run for cover! Lol
My friends call it out, and I have really good “rational” comebacks that make complete sense to me. Fear? This isn’t fear! I am making sure I have things in order. Making sure I have the right perspective. Making sure I’m in position to hear from the Lord. Which translates to making sure I don’t get hurt. Making sure I don’t get rejected. Making sure Rheva is safe. In other words…FEAR!!!
But what I am learning about vulnerability is it doesn’t always feel safe, but it’s necessary. In order to connect in any relationship you have to be willing to be seen. That includes the good and the not so good. The strengths and the weaknesses. The confidence and the insecurities. No one is perfect. Everyone has their own suitcase of stuff. Allow people to see the imperfect parts of you, and don’t be afraid of their response.
The truth is I am a lover. I love people. I love hard. I love deep. Allowing people to see that side without fear is hard. There are days I do pretty good at it, and there are days I hide. But I’m tired of hiding. I want to be seen. And that is not a desperate plea for attention.
I want to go on this journey of the unknown. I want to take a risk regardless of the outcome. I want to be okay with it all. But as with all things in this life, I cannot do it without Him. I gave Him my heart, and I have to trust that He knows what to do with it. He’s a Good Dad that loves His kids, and I have to trust that He will always do what’s best for me.
So…here’s to being seen…