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Nervous Peace

Since I am awake, I figured I would update everyone on my life. I haven’t posted a blog in a while, because I haven’t quite known what to say. I am like a walking paradox right now. I have like this “nervous peace”. I told you all I was a walking paradox…Some days I’m cool, and other days reality hits and I don’t want to be cool anymore, but somehow I am (sometimes).

I guess the reality of the situation brings about the nervous state. What’s the reality of the situation you ask? I debated if I would share this, but if you know me, then you know that I only know how to be real. So, here it goes…

God told me to move to Phoenix. I knew that this move meant a lot for me and I knew that a lot of growth would take place here, butuhruhumm I wasn’t quite planning for it to go this way. Yes Phoenix means a new level, new beginnings, new opportunities, new friendships, new church, new ministry, and a new Rheva, but at what cost?

When I was training for the online instructor position with GCU, my instructor shared this quote with me, “We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.” And I am so slow at times, so it didn’t quite click in February why that was the word I needed. I even gave the quote to a friend of mine for a session she was teaching about getting rid of baggage, and it still didn’t click. But I end up being in Phoenix for literally a week, and I have to lead worship at this mini-conference. My friend sees me during lunch and asks me one question, and I just start crying. I know I am such a girl sometimes. J But he goes on and shares some things with me about this season and one of the last things he said was that I had to shed the old before I can get the new. Then it finally clicked…this process is about to hurt…for REAL!! This is not about to be a pretty season initially. It may flourish into something beautiful, but now it’s time to be broken and crushed because this place is so critical for me and my destiny.

I came here with only the stuff that could fit in my car. Half of my stuff is with me, and the other half is across town in storage. Most of my clothes are in suitcases, and there is something that hangs from under my car that makes a horrible scraping sound when I reverse. I have less than I have had in my entire adult life (that I can remember). People have to pay for me to eat, pay for me to be able to drive home, pay for me to use their electricity…it’s crazy. I feel so helpless! I do not like asking people for anything. I like to be the one that helps people, not the one that needs the help. I know there is pride in me that has to come out. I know that God is teaching me that He really is my only source. I cannot rely on people, He is absolutely it. He is breaking me down to build me back up. And that is not speaking financially or with material things. But spiritually He is breaking me.

The crazy part is even with all of this instability, I have peace. I usually find myself not thinking about stuff until I can’t pay for anything, or my gaslight comes on. Then I’ll usually get sad or start to cry. But outside of those moments I’m cool, because I know God told me to come here.  And I now know that this initial desert experience is absolutely necessary in order to shed my old skin so I can make room for the new.

And despite all that I don’t have, I am still blessed. I have a place to sleep, I have great relationships, I have a great place to worship and hear the Word. I have 1 ½ part-time jobs, even though I won’t get a check until next week, it’s a blessing to have some type of income coming in eventually. So, I have to tighten up my Big Girl Drawls and keep it moving, and keep trusting and believing in God’s sovereignty.

I wish that this process would be a lot simpler, but I know that it will all be worth it. Since I have to go through it Lord, give me the strength and grace I need to walk it out….all for your glory….

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